I look at all the people and I finally concede that I am not responsible for them. I am not responsible for what they think, what they say, what they do. But I am responsible for me.
I am my own creation. Every day I am the artist that carves and paints this living breathing work that is me.
I am responsible for me.
I can be pink, when everyone else seems grey.
I can dance, when everyone else shuffles along with their heads down.
I can laugh, when everyone else seems serious.
I can listen, when everyone else wants to talk.
I can be silent, when everyone else is noisy.
I can be me amongst everyone.
I can stand in the flow of it all and stand firm.
For I am responsible for me.
And maybe by being pink, when everyone seems grey, maybe some will see that pink is not such a bad colour. Maybe some will find their own colours. Their own shades. And learn to be their own me.
Yes, I am responsible for me. I am energy. I am life. I am my own creation - every single day.
We all are. Everyone is a living breathing work of art.
It was just a moment. A moment remembered. Looking out through the eyes of a seven year old girl. Seeing the world with the wisdom that only a seven year old could have.
They weren't happy. No-one was very nice to each other. Why? Something wasn't right. Something wasn't right with this planet.
It was just a decision. Just a moment. A tiny slice of time. Yet that moment, that decision, would affect the entire course of her life.
It was just a word - "No". No, she would not be like that - ever, not if she could help it. She would not forget kindness. She would not forget laughter. She would not forget fun. She would not give up what she felt in the deepest part of her heart to be true, to be right.
It was just a moment. A moment that happened so many years ago. And yet she remembered it so well. As if for the briefest of seconds, she was back there, standing in the park, watching all the adults, looking out through the eyes of a seven year old girl and wondering why. Pale grey eyes, scanning the scene and knowing it didn't have to be this way.
Once upon a time there was a puppy. He just loved to play. He was full of fun and happiness. He found his bliss so easily. A ball, or a walk in the park, or his favourite dinner... life was simple and life was sweet. And he was full of love. He loved to wag his tail and make friends.
Yet when a human follows 'his joy' and just does the simple things that make him happy. Whether it be singing or dancing or painting or cracking jokes, sometimes others come along and say, "Stop that! It's sinful." Rules for this and rules for that. Shoulds and shouldn'ts. Obligations. Judgements. Restrictions.
It gets hard sometimes, to just be happy, to just be yourself. Is a puppy sinful?
So there he was, the man in the suit. As ironed as ironed could be. Neat, business like, ironed, straight, upright. And then from across the road, came a man wearing crumpled clothes, messy hair, looking as if he needed a wash. In his arms he carried a pile of "The Big Issue" magazines - sold by homeless people to make a few pence, a scheme started to give them power back in their lives, some dignity. He walked up to the man in the suit and spoke a few words. The man in the suit stopped walking, listened, hesitated a while and then shook his head and walked away.
The woman looked on. I wonder what he said, she wondered. As she looked at the man in the crumpled clothes, he caught her eye and began to make his way across to her. Her heart felt nothing but compassion for him. She would not judge him. Underneath those clothes, the dirt on his face he was another human being just like her.
"Excuse miss, can I exchange a magazine for an egg and bacon sandwich please. I'm so hungry." The woman had no interest in the magazine but she felt his hunger. She knew what it felt like to be hungry. To walk around feeling weak with an empty stomach. She had no choice but to say yes. How could she walk away and leave this man hungry? Even though she had precious little money herself, it felt right to buy him a sandwich.
The cafe was just there, right behind them and so they walked in and she ordered an egg and bacon sandwich for the man. He looked so grateful. "Thank you miss," he offered, "Have a good day." She smiled, her heart warm with kindness for him. "You too," she said, "Enjoy the sandwich," and she walked out of the cafe knowing that he would enjoy it, every single bite of it. Hunger breeds appreciation. She knew that.
And although she had little money, she felt rich. Richer than the man in the suit who had more than enough money to spare. Because she was living with her heart and the man in the suit, was living with money. She doubted that he would enjoy his business lunch half as much as her friend in the crumpled clothes would enjoy his breakfast.
One day, I sat down in the woods. Peaceful, quiet, no-one around - bliss!
And then ever so quietly, a female fox came to say hello. She checked me out, looked at me with such intelligence in her eyes. I felt humbled. We communicated but not a word was said. I think in my mind, I just said, "Hello" to her and trusted that she heard me. :) Can we talk to animals? Yes, I think so but not in words, in the 'energy' we give off to them. They know who you are, without a single word being spoken.
After a while, of checking me out, she sat down. Not too close, just at arm's length as if she just knew how long my arms were. She sat facing me, still looking at me. I looked at her back.
And then she turned her back on me, and laid down, still in the same spot, an arm's length away and then I knew she trusted me. Animals never turn their back on people they don't trust. I was honoured.
She was beautiful and serene. She was peaceful. I know foxes get such a bad name but all they are doing is what they need to do, to live. Nothing more. She was beautiful and I'll never forget the time she spent with me.
When I was a little girl, and I don't remember the exact details of how it happened to happen, but I looked after a "cocoon" in a match box. I remember so clearly, opening the match box and checking on the cocoon that lay inside.
I was so fascinated. It was alive in there but hidden. And it seemed to take ages to do what looked like absolutely nothing. I kept checking on it, opening the little match box and there it would be - cocooning.
Then one day it started to change, so that night I went to sleep and left the match box open, outside in the open.
In the morning I awoke and rushed to take a look and the matchbox was empty. She was gone.
And then later that day, a beautiful pure white butterfly came to me and kept flying around me. Never too close, but close enough and my Grandad said, "There she is. She's come to say hello to you."
I was so touched. I had a little friend that was a butterfly. I never saw her again after that but I knew she'd come to say thank you to me, before she left to live her life as a butterfly.
What if I never wrote. What if I never shared the things I've come to understand. What if I never tried to communicate the way things have been for me and how I've tried to overcome them?
When I first started writing 'out loud' and sharing the world I'd kept hidden away for so long, the world inside me, I felt so vulnerable and naked. What if I was wrong? What if the things I said sounded stupid? Oh boy, did I cringe when I first started 'opening up'.
But people were kind and encouraged me, and I grew in confidence. Some even thanked me, and told me my words had helped them see another way. So I carried on writing.
I don't feel scared to say how it is for me anymore. I don't have all the answers. Sometimes the things I write, I have to go back and 'update' as I change my perspective and understanding. But that's okay. Really, I only have my answers. I don't have answers for anyone else. I don't know what's true for anyone else. I find it hard to know what's true for me!
I just think we all help each other along. Sometimes I'll write something, and the feedback I get, opens my eyes to something I hadn't seen before. Sometimes the things I write open someone else's eyes to the things they hadn't seen before.
There are no experts. All I can ever do is share my experience. I'm not an expert. Nor an authority. And my 'voice' is no more right and no more important than yours.
If something I mention, inspires someone else to spurt new leafs and grow a little more then that's good. And I have had lots of other people do the same for me, even if they had no idea that the smallest sentence could awaken a new part of me.
We are all wise. If we let ourselves be. If we trust in ourselves and our own good judgement.
I've had quite a few profound dreams lately. Off and on for the past year or so, they've visited me.
As I awake, I am in that awareness and then it quickly sleeps away, though I may to grasp onto it my waking mind cannot stay there, it seems. There is a song by Dizzee Rascal called "Bonkers". Might sound like just another pop song but there is a line in it that gets me: "I wake up just to go back to sleep".
In these dreams, I am more 'awake' than I am when I'm awake. I have experienced an awareness and knowing, that has been teaching me things. They seem to have come as a series of lessons. Hey! I'm just writing how it feels to me, what seems true to me.
In these dreams, I enter a different awareness. Same world, just a whole different awareness. I know things just because I do, just because the knowing is all around, in the air. It is just there, like radio waves are just there but you need a radio to tune into them. I guess I've been tuning in to a different awareness.
I don't consciously remember these dreams but I know the 'information' is there still, I just don't consciously remember them, except one. Just a snippet of it.
Beautiful Earth. Seeing it with fully open eyes. No layers. No perceptions. Just the way it is. Everything just 'is'. And then we look at it, a we put our perceptions and stories on it. We tell a tale about it. We make it appear to be what we think it is and that's how we see it. But underneath that, it is what it is. The stories, the labels, the perceptions belong to us, to our minds... underneath that, always, it is what it is.
Have you ever been lost? So lost that you don't know who you are or what you want to do.
When the sadness has all gotten too much. When the feeling of being unloved has become overwhelming. When despite everything you've tried, nothing seems to have worked out the way you wanted?
You are in the forest. And it can be dark in there.
The things you thought you once wanted, no longer call to you.
The person you once thought you were, stripped away.
And just no direction. No clear sense of what to do next.
Just lost. In the forest.
It's the falseness slipping away. All the false faces you wore. All the false dreams you carried.
You are being stripped naked. Back to the core. Back to who you really are.
And you will find at your core, strength. A strength you never even knew you had. Peace, a peace you never knew before. Acceptance with the coming and going tides of life.
You are going back to your essence. Back to your home. The home that has always been inside you, all along.
Your answers aren't 'out there'. They never were. Your answers are inside you. Locked deep within you. You just need to quieten the noise and listen. Listen to who you really are.
Listen to yourself,
don’t be frightened,
don’t let others’ fears,
squash you down.
Listen to yourself,
don’t be frightened,
to share love and goodness,
around.
Listen to yourself,
don’t be worried,
because love is already here.
Listen to yourself,
don’t be scared now,
the only thing to fear is fear.
The only coat that ever fit you was love.
When you wore the coat of resentment it weighed you down.
When you wore the coat of anger it scratched your skin, and the more you itched the more it scratched.
When you wore the coat of judgement, you forgot yourself.
When you wore the coat of hate, it shrunk and you became restricted.
When you wore the coat of fear, you felt cold and vulnerable and did not want to go outside.
When you wore the coat of guilt, you were unable to walk forward.
When you wore the coat of blame, all your goodness became invisible.
But when you wore the coat of forgiveness, it fitted you so well, you had room to move.
And when you wore the coat of compassion, you were able to smile.
And when you wore the coat of love, you were all that you could be and more.
The coat of love is the only coat that will ever fit you.
...to dance, in the madness and sadness, moonlight glowing, in the knowing, of it all,
peaceful, tender and still, gentle breeze on the shore, i want more, breathing in,
filling my soul, my heart, tingling, waking my skin, and within, i am alive and i can thrive,
in your dance, wash over me, i look up, drop my shoulders back, surrender,
to your magnificence, my feet on the ground, solid warm earth, real and motherly, i am here,
in it all, floating, dancing, swaying, skirt fraying, hips rotating, arms swinging, shoulders gliding,
free,
free, yes indeed,
running through my veins, i am one again, right here, i am here, i am quivering in your touch,
so much, so much more than concrete grey, take that away, let me be, with lush greens,
and blue serenes,
dark night sky, glittering with lights, such a sight, for this soul of mine,
love in my eyes and in my heart, it longs for you, and sings to you,
in pinks and orange and purple hues,
this life a dance, i in a trance of your majesty...
"There is magic all around; the language of the world, the language of the soul. I have felt its caress. I have danced in it and felt its breath on my cheek. It is energy and it dances.
I cannot hold it, nor bottle it, nor label it, nor give it a name but it is real and everywhere, like the air we breathe, the water we swim in. It does not stand still, it will not be owned but it is there, always.
You could call it "the stream". Have you been touched by its magic? Do you feel it calling to you? Can you follow its dance, hear its music, hear its words of wisdom, and let them flow through you and open your heart?
Dance in the stream, come dance in the stream..."
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I here? I can feel something calling to me. A longing. It's called to me all my life. In every moment. From the moment I wake until the moment I rest my head at night. What is it?
It's why I'm never here; because I know I should be 'there'. It calls to me to come. But I don't know where 'there' is - I keep looking. I keep searching. It keeps calling to me. It never leaves me alone.
"You are the truth you seek."
A voice of wisdom spoke to her, from where she did not know. Not even a voice, but a knowing, a thought, a feeling that entered her consciousness.
"Deep within you is your truth. The truth you seek. You will not find it outside. All those voices, those distractions - clamouring for attention. They make demands, they tell you what to do, who to be - don't listen. Quieten them, quieten them all and make room for silence for then you will hear your voice. Your voice is your guide, listen - it is the only one that knows who you truly are."
_________________________________________
Everytime she dared to dream, dared to hope, something came along and blocked her. They were not imaginary situations. They were real life, in your face, pressing situations that demanded that she dropped all her dreams and do what needed to be done. She was a kind soul, she cared about others and she was willing to put them before herself.
She still had her dreams. They nagged at her from the corners of her mind but life seemed to have other plans. She watched on as her friends flew in the sky and she wished she could join them but life had chained her feet to the ground.
She gave up looking at the sky. It only taunted her. Her head dropped and her eyes settled on the chains around her feet. What good were dreams to her now? What good was it to be reminded of the life she felt sure she was meant to live? These chains bound her and restricted her.
Inside, she felt so alive. Her spirit free and soaring. So much love in her heart and enthusiasm for life. For the details of life. She saw love in the most unexpected of places. Her spirit so huge, she could feel herself expanding into all that life really was. Yet the clouds that hung around her turned everything grey. The sunshine was hers. She knew it. If she could only shake off these shackles. Blow away the clouds. The sunshine would come back to her. But the more she struggled to break free, the more the chains gripped around her legs. She gave up and sunk to the ground. Her heart so heavy. Not even any tears left to cry. Just empty and drained.
She wanted to escape. She wanted to be free. She thought about dying but she knew she would never do that - giving in was unacceptable. She just needed to find hope again. To find the strength within herself to push away the obstacles, to rip apart the chains and walk the path she knew she was always meant to walk. For it always called to her, even in her darkest days, it never left her side. Always whispering, always there, always encouraging her to set herself free and live the life she was given. And be the person that she was.
Deep deep deep in the forest of who I think I am. Twisted branches, links and paths and memories of who I thought I was and the sunshine shines down through and lights up the floor and I know nothing, absolutely nothing anymore except that I am alive. The things in my head, the memories, the thoughts and stories all stop when I smell the trees and the dampness of the ground. This is life. This. This which I am breathing in. All else is somewhere else imagined. Somehow I know now that I am a soul, a spirit, an essence and the rest is just some kind of game.
"You know what Becky, your mind is a computer."
"Huh? What are you talking about now, Ben?"
"Well all these things you worry about. You could just forget about them you know. And start using the full power of your mind."
"Huh? What are you on about? How can I forget about them?"
"Because they only exist in there." He pointed his finger to her head and then pressed his finger to the middle of her forehead.
She brushed his finger away, annoyed at the way he always seemed to make her problems seem so small.
"No, I'm serious Becks. It's all in there. That's where your power lies if only you could see it."
He leaned over and picked at a few strands of grass. Gazing out over the lake, he watched as the birds landed on the water's surface, sending ripples across the sheen.
"Oh Ben, you always say these grand ideas. As if life is that simple. There's a whole world out there you know - and people. What power have I got? All these things you say are just in my head, well, they're real. They are real. It's not just my imagination."
He smiled at the frustrated confused look she wore on her face. They were almost the same age but he often felt so much older than her. He wanted to protect her and teach her about the secrets he knew but she was so stubborn sometimes.
"Let me show you," he said as he wiped a lock of hair away from her eyes.
"Show me what?" she was getting annoyed.
"Just lie down, Becks. Trust me," he laughed, "Just for five minutes, trust me."
She flopped herself down on the blanket and crossed her arms.
"No, not like that," he laughed, "Relax. Put your arms down by your side and close your eyes."
She followed his orders although he could see her reluctance.
"Now tell me one of your biggest fears. Something that worries you a lot."
She lay there silent for a while, thinking. More birds landed on the lake, his eyes followed as fresh ripples spread out in waves. The sun beating down on his face.
"I'm scared of not being loved."
He nodded, although she could not see him. She was being honest with him. This was good.
"Okay Becks. Let me take you on a journey in your mind. Think of it like a day dream or a story. Only, you are the central character and what happens is real. Whatever you feel in there stays with you and you let it in. Okay?"
"Okay," she shifted her body and he could see she was becoming more relaxed.
______
For twenty minutes he lay by her side, taking her on a guided journey to a world where she felt loved. She never said a word for the entire time. She let his words wash over her and was transported to the world he had conjured for her in his mind. She felt so safe and peaceful there. Her cares melted away in the sun. And then gently, he guided her back to the day and the grass and the sunshine around them.
"Becks?"
"Yes?" she said dreamily.
"You are loved."
She opened her eyes and looked at him. He was leaning over her face, screening out the sun. He looked so radiant, her heart felt so full of love for him. He had just given her a gift she would treasure forever. A world she could return to, time and time again, whenever she needed to replenish.
This house was her past. She didn't want to come back to it but she was determined to set things straight.
She walked up the driveway, keys in her hands, a different woman to the one that had once lived there. She held her head high.
The door opened to a strange sort of serenity. No-one here but her. She shut the door behind her and stood for a moment facing the dusty hall. Sunlight streamed in from the small stained glass window at the back of the house. She loved that window. So full of colour. Yellows and poppy reds, lit up the hall.
She leaned back against the front door for a moment. Propping herself up as she prepared mentally for what she needed to do. It was probably going to take her all day.
She decided to tackle it room by room. To her right, led the staircase to the rooms upstairs. To her left, lay the living room and further on, the kitchen. The garden lay at the back, but she didn't need to do anything there.
She walked to the kitchen and put down her bag and draped her coat on the chair. She placed the keys on the table and stood, hands on hips, hesitating.
"Come on Mary, room by room, you can do this," she urged herself as she let out a big sigh.
The stairs creaked as she made her way upstairs. She wondered why she was trying to be so quiet. No-one was here. Was she scared of waking up ghosts?
The first room flooded her with memories. As if a movie had suddenly switched itself to play in her mind. Some were good and others painful. She let them play themselves out until they stopped and then she sat on the bed, immersed in the peace that now filled the room - so different to all those years ago. And then she spoke out loud, with no-one but the room to hear her, saying all the things she'd wished she'd said, saying all the things that needed to be said, until at last she felt at peace.
The words were between her and the room, for the memories they shared, for their ears only; this room was her past. She got up and left the room, took one last look and then closed the door behind her, locking it with the key.
Outside the house, the world was now waking up and starting to go about the day. Children left for school. Cars left the driveways. Old people tended their plants. She could hear the gentle drone of life outside.
Inside, Mary continued to visit every room and perform the same ritual. Closing each door firmly behind her when peace was made.
She felt emotionally tired after visiting all the rooms on the top floor and went back down to the kitchen. Pulling out sandwiches she had in her bag, she replenished her energy and laughed to herself. A laugh she hadn't laughed in years and not about anything in particular, just an outburst of relief. She felt so much lighter and carefree, she almost wanted to do a little jig, right there in the middle of the kitchen.
She looked round the room and felt love for this old house that had housed so many of her memories. She did love it but she had to leave it behind today. She knew that and was glad. The memories it held had weighed her down for so long and now she was finally getting free.
She smiled as she gazed out over the top of her coffee cup. It was right, the time was right for her now to leave it all behind. And make a new start.
She resumed her mission and entered the living room. She sat on the couch and waited as all the old movies flooded her mind. So many wonderful memories! And then the sad ones came, and she sat with them too and let them play out - as the tears poured down her face she let them. Every kind of emotion she felt, she allowed to wash through her like water through a pipe. Until the time when the tears stopped flowing and then, just as before, she spoke to the room and said everything she needed to say to make peace with her past. And then walked out and closed the door behind her. Until the time when the last door had been closed.
And now it was time for her to leave. Her heart felt heavy and light at the same time. She stood in the hall once more and looked for the last time at the stained glass window, burning the image in her mind.
"Good bye dear house," she whispered and turned to open the front door.
Tears filled her eyes as she caught the last glimpses of sunlight for the day. She locked the door and walked firmly away, up the driveway to her car. "Thank you," she whispered to the house and looked straight ahead of her, never looking back.
As her car drove away a cat sauntered across the gravel, stopping briefly to sniff at the pile of chains that lay in the middle of the driveway. It sat down and watched the lady drive off and then began to clean itself. All was well.
Everything she felt and thought and knew intuitively was right. But she had been taught that everything she was inside was wrong. She had been conditioned to not trust herself. As surely as a knife cuts through string, she had been disconnected from herself.
She was magnificently powerfully, deeply loving yet she did not know who she was. She did not know her true nature. Her whole life she had been deceived and deliberately misled. How can you use a power if you do not know you have it? And those who knew did everything they could to keep her from the truth.
She had landed on the prison planet. Born to slaves who were also supremely powerful but also equally blind to their true nature. This planet had been conquered long ago in the times when history was erased. Those that knew the true story of the planet leaked out confusing accounts, semi-truths to keep all in the dark.
It did not serve them to reveal the truth. Why would it? For these beings were useful as slaves. They worked hard and were very productive. If they knew their true nature they would mutiny in an instant.
Her conditioning had begun early in life. She was sent to school to learn obedience. The teachers recited 'facts' and Emily soaked them up like a sponge. She learnt to use her logical brain and learnt to ignore her creative intuitive brain. She was left-handed but they made her use her right hand, because right handed people were working from their left brain and that is the side that belongs to world of limitation. The right brain is expansive, creative, intuitive and connected to all that is. They didn't want that.
She learnt to disregard her inner feelings and take on those of the world as authority. She learnt only to trust 'facts' and laughed at intuition. Yet intuition was where her power lay, if only she but knew.
She had the power to heal her body, the power to move mountains, the power to create new realities but she did not know. She was like a racehorse who thought she was a mouse. She didn't know her power, she didn't know her strength.
And once she left school, and joined the world of slavery she was kept busy at all times. Always things to do. Always obligations. Running round, day in and day out, she was a good girl. She was obedient. She played by the rules. But despite doing all of the things that her masters required of her, something was always missing inside. Something she sensed but could not see or touch or label. It was always there and when she had time she began to search. Something was calling to her but she did not know what or whom.
But there was so little time. Every day was busy. Work work work. Day in, day out. Just enough time to eat and sleep and maybe enjoy a little escapism on the brain-a-vision. Barely enough to think. She did not even know herself, she was just doing what she was told, going round in endless circles. And that was how they planned it; the controllers. "We do not want a nation of thinkers, we want a nation of workers!" was a popular slogan of theirs but the slaves were kept too busy to hear.
And yet every day she knew there was more. More to this existence. Her heart called to her. And now she must start listening.
A woman walks along a country path. She is weary and burdened by the bags on her back. Why does she carry them, they are so many? What is in the bags?
Stories. The stories of her life. Stories reaching back to her childhood. They weigh her down. If she could only put the bags down, she could enjoy the day. Live in this wonderful moment.
But she does not want to put them down. They are the stories of her sadness. Of the times when she was hurt and she clings to them. She believes they protect her from ever being hurt again.
But they do not protect her. How can bags filled with sad stories protect her? They just burden her. Make the walk slower and more painful. Yet she will not let them go.
She stops for a rest and some food. Placing her bags on the floor around her, she reaches in and takes out one of the books. Its' covers are worn. She has read it many times.
As she bites on her sandwich, she opens the book and begins to read. Emotions swirl round her as the story takes her back to her past. The sadness in her heart, the pain in her stomach, once more awakened and brought back to life. And she remembers why she hates them, as if it had just happened yesterday.
The date on the book reads 1971. The year now is 2010. It is almost forty years old. Forty years old! Has she been reading the same story for so long? The realisation shocks her. Surely not forty years. She lifts her head out of the book and looks at the world around her.
So much had changed in all those years. Her looks have faded. The world has become computerised. This book, the one she held in her hand, had been hand-written. Her newest stories were all in clean clear type. So much had changed. Except for her stories.
She looked in the bag again. There were stories that were even older - some even sixty years old. Some were of happy days, but she had not read them in so long. It was the sad stories that she had read the most. It was the sad stories that had their covers bent and were soft at the edges.
For so long, these stories had been part of her. Part of who she was and yet now, looking down at them, she could see they were just old stories. Little books. Little chapters of her life. She only remembered them because she'd read them so often. What would happen if she threw them away?
A vision popped into her mind: she could see herself walking freely along the path, almost as if she were a young girl again. Though the same age as she was now, she looked younger - maybe even twenty years younger. The weight, from the bags full of stories had gone. She could see herself and she looked happy, almost bouncing as she walked. Free of cares and worries. Younger and more alive somehow.
"Tonight, I shall throw them away," she vowed.
And that night she did. She emptied out the books, all of them, onto the living room floor and began to sort them - placing the sad stories on one side, the happy stories on the other.
And that night, she picked up the sad stories and took them outside to the garden. And lit a bonfire. And burned them all.
_________________________
A few nights later, her husband came home from a business trip. As he opened the door, he could hear his wife laughing. He was pleased.
"What are you so happy about?" he said, poking his head round the door, and seeing his wife sitting on the sofa, glee in her eyes, holding open an immaculate book.
"It's these stories," she giggled, "They're hilarious. I haven't read them in years." She placed the book down and went to greet her husband, kissed him on the cheek, and then said, "I love you," before going into the kitchen.
Her husband stood bemused. Not quite sure what to make of her sudden outbreak of affection. It wasn't like her at all.
"Er..." he stuttered, not entirely sure what to say. "I love you too," he mumbled and walked over to the computer table, his usual spot for the evening.
And from that day on, there was a change in her for the better and he never really understood why. But she knew; she was free now - free from the stories, from the ghosts in the stories. Free to live her life, now, not in the past.
As she pulled away from the house her soul felt a million times lighter. She was leaving it all behind.
No more dancing in the shadows of her memories. She would be herself now - free.
She drove for a little while in silence. Respectfully stopping at lights and crossings. Paying heed to the comings and goings of the ordinary world, she drove slowly.
It was spring time. Although the sun had dipped there was still a wonderful freshness in the air, as if the air sparkled. She opened the car window letting in the chilly that felt so good.
As she hit the open road, she saw it was quiet. She smiled and pushed down her foot on the accelerator. Yes! She could drive how she wanted - no need to keep up with any one else's pace. She turned on her music and smiled and put her foot down on the accelerator. Woo hoooooooooooooooooooo!
Music, wonderful music. She played it loud and she played it proud. It didn't matter. The roads were so quiet, no-one to hear her wailing at the top of her voice. She didn't care if she couldn't sing that well. It was fun to let it all out. Weeeeeeeeeeeee! It felt good.
Trees rushed past the window. She saw the fading light show of the sun in the distance and marvelled at its magnificence. Weeeeeeeeeeee! This moment felt good.
Here she was. Driving. Music. The sun glorious. The air divine. The wind rushing through her hair. Alive.
And it didn't matter anymore. None of it. It was all behind her - all of it. She left it behind as surely as she had intended. It was done. The decision had been made and now she could live her life. HER life.
An elderly farmer watched the car whizz past. He could hear her shouting and he smiled - she sounded happy! He knew that feeling and laughed to himself at the simplicity of life sometimes.
She drove and drove for hours. She didn't know how long it would take to get home but she'd told them she wasn't going to rush. She knew they'd be there with open arms, waiting for her, with love in their hearts.
Until then, this drive was her adventure. How she loved the feel of the open road. The feeling of being alive. Of being free. Of dancing to the music. Of just being there, in the moment, blending with the car, the steering wheel, the trees and bushes that rushed past, the setting sun, the stars above.
Life truly was magic and she wondered how she had ever come to forget that. When the cotton wool was stripped away, it truly was divine and she revelled in the wonder of the beauty of her planet she called home.
Yes - life was good.
I came to visit you last night in my dream.
I came to tell you the truth. The truth you needed to hear - that they never told you. You needed to hear it so much.
I told you that you wasn't bad. It was just them, blaming you because they weren't big enough to admit they were wrong. They were struggling too. They let you down and told you it was your fault but you were beautiful - it was never your fault. You looked at me with eyes so grateful. You needed to hear those words. You needed to have someone on your side. I know you believed me. You were so relieved that someone understood. You smiled at me.
I gave you presents. Lots and lots of presents. The presents they never gave you. You told me you didn't want presents but I knew you did. You needed to be given things because you gave so much. Someone needed to give to you. I gave you clothes - you looked so pretty. You said you didn't want them, but I saw the twinkle in your eye as you saw how lovely you looked. You looked beautiful.
I took you to get a haircut. No-one had cut your hair. You looked so pretty with nice hair. I could see you smile at yourself in the mirror. You felt confident for once.
I hugged you. I hugged you so hard and you surrendered. You soaked up my love like a sponge soaks up water. You needed it. I hugged you so hard and stroked your beautiful soft hair. Your eyes went soft as you relaxed and allowed me to love you. You cried.
I told you, you were beautiful. I looked into your face and told you all the things you needed to hear. I told you the truth. You sat and listened. Unaccustomed to hearing such kind words. I told you to believe me. I told you it was the truth. You nodded your head and took in my words.
I told you to be strong. I told you to remember who you are. I told you to understand that the people around you were unable to love and that you must stay true to yourself and protect your loving heart. I told you to always be loving but most especially, to love yourself as they were not able to. You nodded and understood your responsibility. I could see the weight settle on your shoulders.
I wanted to take the weight off but I knew I couldn't. I knew you were where you had to be, for the time being at least. And then I had to leave. I told you that I would always be with you in thought. Always. And with a heavy heart I left you.
May you be well, beautiful. May you always know that you are loved. I am with you always.
They were the quiet ones. The ones that knew in their heart and in their soul that life should be about more than slavery to money.
They were the ones that knew that war was wrong and no excuse, ever, could justify it.
They were the ones that knew there was more to life than chasing paper money. More to life than shopping and traffic.
They were the ones that knew, in their hearts, that all life is connected - the plants, the trees, animals, humankind.
And the world was noisy. And politicians droned. And banks bullied. And bosses exploited. And tvs hypnotised. And newspapers created realities. And traffic congested. And people hurried.
And the quiet ones watched on...
...for a time...
...and then they began to speak, quietly at first...
...and hearts and minds connected and voices grew more confident...more wise...
...more assured...
...and the world was still noisy...
...but if you listened, another sound could now be heard...
...a harmony, a hum..
...quiet voices blending, growing louder...
...and more beautiful...
...it was the quiet ones speaking...
...and sharing their voices with the world...
...and theirs was a different kind of energy...
...peaceful and loving...
...growing stronger...
...every day...
...they were the quiet ones...
...and they had found their voice.
She sat in the middle of the park bench, waiting to hear her own voice, but she just couldn't hear it. Her mind was busy, jumping around like a hungry frog: “I need to get potatoes for dinner”, “I need to pay that gas bill”, “What time is it? I mustn’t be late”…busy, busy, busy. She sighed and closed her eyes, trying to ignore its constant chatter.
She took a deep breath in and then exhaled, controlling the breath, slowing it down. A dog barking behind her, the passing conversation of two businessmen, a plane passing by overhead, feet crunching on the gravel, a ball bouncing. Noise. She took another breath in, relishing the smell of cut grass. A police siren screaming out behind her, loud and aggressive, jabbing at her ear drums. She opened her eyes again briefly, and then closed them.
Another deep breath, slowly exhaling and then another. The sun broke through the clouds, flooding her face with light, its warmth relaxing her. She breathed again, slowly in, slowly out…slowing it all down, quietening her mind. The noise around her was beginning to blur, becoming less of a distraction, more a hum, she was separating from it all now. Sunlight streamed onto her face, and eyes closed she continued to wait for that quiet voice she heard only rarely. That peaceful loving wisdom that was so often drowned out by the distractions of the world.
It wasn’t a voice really, it was more a feeling. A feeling that came from within, that permeated every cell of her body. It was to her, a source of power and strength, that she so often forgot to switch on, living in the real world. The real world had a rhythm, a pace, a beat that banged on like a marching army. It wasn’t in time with her inner rhythm which was soft and flowing like a delicious mountain stream. She breathed in and out again, feeling softer now, releasing herself from tension of the world and opening up to the connection with herself, once more. The rhythm was gentle, was soft, was soothing and it spread throughout her body. She felt okay, she felt calm, she felt peaceful again. The feeling of being alive, of being loved, of being happy, of peace and contentment swept over her. And she felt without any doubt, that life was meant to be fun. She smiled and opened her eyes. The park seemed so much greener than it had before, so lush now, full of energy and life.
Another siren sliced through the air and glancing at her watch, she realised that her lunch break was over. She stood up from the bench and resumed her day, leaving the seat warm with her presence.
Walking down the street one day, he was saddened by the faces walking past him. So many dressed in blacks and greys, with foreheads furrowed with worry lines, heads down studying the pavement, consumed with the cares and worries of the world. Grey buildings, grey pavements, dead eyes staring out of unhappy faces. Jeez! This was fun!
If he possessed in that moment, an auto-eject button he would have chosen to exit that scene and re-enter planet earth in a brighter place. Maybe the caribbean or some other treasure, where the colours of the sky and sea were so vibrant and happy. Maybe a steel band would be playing near by and his clothes would be multi-coloured and bright. Instead of a McDonalds, he'd have before his eyes, a plate of brightly coloured fruit.
But they hadn't invented a portable auto-eject button yet, so he made up a game to amuse himself and avoid the creeping feeling of depression that was pervading this street.
He called it "the smiling game". It was maybe a little odd but it kept him amused and it didn't hurt anyone. He continued on his way but this time smiling. A big warm happy, god isn't it great to be alive, sort of grin. The aim of the game was to get as many smiles back as possible. He smiled at every single person he walked past, looking them straight in their eyes.
It was kind of amusing, because many of the people didn't even see him or they looked at him strangely, as if he had just been let out of the nut-house. But regardless of that, he carried on up the street, deliberately smiling at every single person he passed by. A few stared back with blank faces. And then every so often he'd hit a jackpot. A person smiled back at him, a real genuine grateful smile. And he'd feel all warm inside because he knew that even for the briefest of seconds, he'd made the world a little bit brighter for that person and that person had made the world a little bit brighter for him.
It was his secret game and it made him happy. And no-one was any the wiser but maybe they were a little happier.
See saying hello to strangers
And so it was time to go. To land on that planet they called Earth. It was a sad place and yet so full of beauty. It was a place of limitation and yet so full of possibility. It was a place of minds and yet so full of spirits. If they only knew.
And that was her mission - to help them remember. She looked down at the planet, so full of magnificent colours yet she knew they could not see, except for those special ones. The creative ones. The artists, the poets, the musicians...
It was a mission she had chosen voluntarily, as part of her soul's learning. But she knew once she landed on Earth, she would have to forget her true nature and don her human suit. No longer free to shine like a star and create new worlds just by thought alone, she would have to play by the 'rules' of Earth. And she hesitated - she knew the trials and struggles that awaited her. The sadness and the loneliness she would experience.
But it was all an illusion, one that she would soon forget. Love never leaves anyone alone.
Her commander had arranged her life; she would work in a market in London town. One of the busiest places in the world. Full of dead eyes. And it was her job to remind them of their true nature. She would sell jewellery. The most exquisite and most beautiful kind. Not of silver or gold, but of transparent aluminium. And they would wonder how, the people that bought it. And as they wondered, it would begin to open their eyes to their true reality - the magical world of energy and vibration. For in each piece of jewellry, a vibration had been set to enchant its owner and bring about new dreams. So that each morning, the owner would awake with a new spiritual truth and understanding.
She donned her suit and prepared for her adventure. She would be gone awhile.
It was a funny place actually. Grey. Grey streets, grey buildings, rows and rows of them and windows - one, two, three, four stories high. Dusty windows, shut windows. Dreary curtains. Everyone lived indoors, went home, closed the door, closed the window and shut themselves off from the world outside. Leaving the street behind in its greyness.
Everyone complained about it; the neighbourhood. Everyone said how it had gone downhill, how no-one cared about it, how it was turning into a slum these days. Outside on the pavement, an old television and a three legged chair on its side. Nothing unusual - the dustmen would pick them up soon - when they could be bothered. But it didn't matter, they'd soon be replaced by a mattress or an old coffee table with stains on it.
You couldn't tell what the people were like - it was almost as if nobody lived there. The street was so quiet. Only the gentle strains of tv stations in living rooms and the occasional bark. There were no plants. Not even one single plant pot outside. It was if people had decided one day, that the street outside had nothing to do with them, and had disowned it. And so now, the street belonged to the corporations and the councils - and the people left it alone. Unloved.
But when Zion moved in, things began to change. You see, Zion believed that the street did belong to him. If he had nothing else, he had the street. Every blank space became his canvas.
Sometimes he painted in black and white - just painted the things that were going through his mind. Sometimes he painted in colour. He didn't plan it - he just drew and painted what he felt, at that moment. And it was easy, the streets were so empty - no-one ever caught him, except for Mouse. She loved it, she loved his wild side - the fact that he didn't give a damn. She couldn't draw like him, but she tried. Adding little daisies and petals on the edges of his work.
She knew what he was doing. He was reclaiming the street. He was saying, "Here you are people, this is for you - this is yours. This is your street". But not everyone got it. A lot of people complained; they said it was just another sign that the neighbourhood had gone downhill. They tutted as they walked past and got white paint to cover it up. Sometimes Zion would see them; little old men and women, middle aged men trying to look important, a little committee emerging from their doors on a mission to remove his 'vandalism'. He didn't mind though, he laughed and waited until the paint had dried and used it as a fresh canvas.
It was a game for him. Fun! He found it hilarious when the old folks marched out to clean up his 'mess'. Some even complained to him about it, and he smiled, because they had no idea it was him. He was to them, just the quiet guy who lived at the end of the road. That's all they knew about him - because that was all he allowed them to know. He was sure, if he did own up, confess his ways, they would smile politely and then talk about him together, when he had gone. He could see that was their mentality. They were too scared to confront him. Too scared to own their own street. But he had got them to own it, with their neighbourhood committees working overtime to clean up his work. He felt like Jack the Ripper and the Scarlet Pimpernel rolled into one. On a mission - Man Mysterious.
He played with them for a year or more. He was having fun and his plan was working. He had brought art to this street and it was starting to do its magic. There were plant pots outside now. With plants in - he smiled at the change. And now, it seemed they had started to embrace his work. The pots of white paint had gone and photographers came instead, to capture his art and display it in an exhibition. He felt so proud but saddened too. His mission was complete; he had given them back the street. And they never even knew how. And now it was time for him to leave the neighbourhood and paint elsewhere. He painted one last picture and packed up his cans and left the house at the end of the street, for the last time.
I was born to be free but because of you I've never known what true freedom feels like.
From the moment I was born, you claimed me. Took my name and recorded it in your books. Gave me a number, gave me vaccinations and left me alone for a while.
Then when I was old enough, you made me go to school. Taught me things I didn't want to learn. Made me stay indoors when I wanted to be outside, in the sunshine, with bare feet on the grass. Taught me that war was right and just, and "just the way things are" when in my heart I always knew, always felt that war could never be right. You taught me about the glory of war when all I could see was suffering and pain.
You taught me that animals were just creatures of instinct; pets to be owned or farmed, when in my heart I knew they had feelings. I could see it in their eyes. I could feel it.
You made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Like all the things I felt were wrong. Like there was something wrong with me? It was your ways that didn't make sense.
A justice system that was too expensive for ordinary folk. Wars carried out in my name that I did not, would not, ever support. Medicine that harmed instead of healed. Politicians who cried 'democracy' and then did what the hell they liked once in power. Freedom of speech but only if I say what you want me too. Sex turned from a beautiful act into something seedy and nasty. Women turned from goddesses into worthless trash on magazine covers.
And then you threw me to work. So that I could spend my days going round and round in circles just so that I could pay your bills. I didn't ask for bills but you gave them to me. This planet was given to us freely but you built fences and charged me rent, for something you stole. And then, when I get tired, when I can't pay your bills you harrass me and fill me with guilt and shame and hark on about 'credit ratings'. I know what you can do with your credit ratings, you can stick them up your...Ask me why I'm angry?
Because you have lied to me, for all of my life. You have tied me down with work and bills and obligations. You have told me I am wrong to have dreams and believe in them. You have controlled my mind, you have fed it with misinformation. Everywhere I go I see tvs, popping up in railstations, buses and your magazines and newspapers, full of misinformation. You only print what you want us to believe. Everything else gets hidden.
And when I was a Mother, you still made me work. You hounded me to get in to work on time when you knew the difficulties I had. You pressured me to come in when my children were sick, when you knew how much I needed to be with them. You took my days and made me miss their first crawl. And yet this still wasn't enough.
When my family were sick in hospital, I still had to work. And when they passed away you allowed me a week off to mourn. And then you claimed me back again.
You took the religions and twisted them. Taught that salvation would come in another lifetime, that it was noble to suffer in this one. Yes, that was clever of you. How we all bowed down like meek lambs and didn't challenge you. And you taught never to question religion because that would make God angry. Just believe it, you said, even if it doesn't make any sense. Even if there are great big holes missing in the stories, the bits you cut out. The bits that said your divinity lies within you. The bits that said you are more powerful than you ever dreamed possible.
For I am a being of love. Yet you taught me fear and hate. Love is for cissies. Forgiveness is for fools.
Yes I am angry. I was born free but you have enslaved me, taken my days and nights from me and who for? Why have I worked for so many years with so little to show for it? Because that's exactly how you planned it to be!
But you don't enslave me with chains on my body. Your slavery is an invisible thing. Your slavery is a slavery of the mind.
There's something not quite right about this world. You've known it all your life. Yet everytime you raised your voice, you were told 'shush'.
You learned to keep quiet. You were told to keep quiet and accept that these things were 'just the way things are'. You felt all alone, with your 'crazy' thoughts. You didn't know that others also had 'crazy' thoughts because they too, had been told to keep quiet.
And so, you held it all inside. Afraid to speak out because you had been taught to believe that your ideas were 'crazy'. And you stood in a room full of people, and talked about trivial things whilst all the while you were aching to speak the truth inside of you.
But you didn't know that they felt the same way too. And they didn't know that you felt the same way. Because you had all been taught to keep quiet.
How comes there are so many people that feel this way? Is that just a coincidence? How comes there are so many people that feel this way and yet don't speak their truth? Is it fear? Fear of being called 'crazy' or fear of what will happen if they speak out.
Imagine the craziness of it all. A room full of people, believing the same thing, hiding the same thing, none brave enough to share what they feel inside. That's what the system does; teaches you to deny your inner most voice. Teaches you to trust the authority of the outside world, not the authority within.
No wonder there is so much unhappiness. People internally banning themselves all the time. People disconnected from themselves, who they really are and for what? To feed a system, that is never ever satisfied.
Step into a bigger me,
Discard this one called fear,
Step into a larger life,
Embrace and make it clear,
Step into a vision sweet,
Flowers are in bloom,
Step into this plan so grand,
And fill the bloomin' room,
Step into the rhythm,
That beats in time with mine,
Step into the energy,
That makes my eyes to shine,
Step into the sunshine,
That greets me every day,
Step into the wonder that,
Shows my heart the way.
Like a tree,
I stand strong,
I am centred,
I connect with the world,
I communicate,
But always, my knowing, my wisdom,
Is from within,
My roots are strong,
So that I may sway and bend,
But always be connected,
With who I truly am.
My truth, my power, my knowledge, my strength,
Always has and always will be,
From that place of peace and joy within.
She carefully placed the note on the bench, making sure no-one saw her. As she walked away, the note was blown by the wind and taken where it was meant to go.
On the bus, she carefully left another note on a seat, before descending into Oxford Street.
In McDonalds, she left another note on a table, one in the toilet and another in the children's play area.
The next stop was Top Shop on Oxford Circus. She decided the best place to leave a note was in the changing rooms. She left one in each cubicle.
Then she took a walk towards Marble Arch, randomly placing more notes in places she knew they would be found. Always making sure she was not seen.
The idea had come to her a few years ago. It just seemed to her that there wasn't enough love in the world. She had pondered over the idea of 'low self-esteem'. Was it really low self-esteem that was the problem, or was it simply that people had forgotten the act of simply being kind to one another? Did low self-esteem stem from a lack of friendliness and compassion in the world? Maybe if people were just a little bit kinder to one another, there wouldn't be so many books flying off the bookshelves about how to "Boost Your Self-Esteem in Six Easy Steps".
It was a crazy kind of idea, but she liked it. She liked to think that it would do some good. She wished she could be one of the people that found a note. She just wanted to spread some happiness.
The notes were simple things. Simple messages of hope and love, sent out to strangers that she would never meet and probably never know. And yet she felt a connection to them and trusted that whoever found a note, would find exactly the words they needed to hear.
Beautiful moon.
You are so beautiful.
Sometimes I stop and stare at you,
Glowing in the night,
You are magical and mystical,
Serenely enchanting,
You call to me,
I am captivated.
I know you are powerful,
You pull the tides across our planet,
You pull our moods, up and down,
You are the rhythm of menstrual cycles,
The rhythm behind natural cycles.
You are ever present.
A friend to our planet,
A companion and protector,
A beacon of hope on a dark night.
Life would not be the same without you.
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